Don't Make the Same Mistake I Did.

Friday Fuel October 3

My Story: How I Got It Wrong

I want to share something personal—something I still carry with me.

My eldest son was once a keen cricketer. I coached him. One afternoon, he didn’t want to go into the nets to face some really fast bowling. He was hesitant, even scared.

In that moment, I convinced myself it was the right time to “toughen him up.” So I talked him into it. If I’m honest, I pretty much forced him.

The result? He got hit in the thigh, a massive bruise, and ended up in tears. I can still picture it. And I know, deep down, that this was the day his love for cricket started to fade.

Looking back, it was my fault. I wasn’t listening. I was pushing my purpose—my hopes, my competitiveness—onto him. I thought I could change who he was. But the truth is, you can’t.

My son’s purpose in sport wasn’t to dominate or win at all costs or even be the best he could possibly be. His purpose was fun. Friendship. Connection. That was his “why.” And I didn’t see it.

Looking back, I can see there was a sense of FOMO. A fear that if I didn’t push him now to be good he would miss out on teams, and pathways that might affect him later on. Upon reflection this was crazy thinking led by my own purpose, or what would have been my own mindset at the same age. And the fear wasn’t real - I should have been more fearful of pushing my own agenda on to him and creating an environment that took the joy away from something he loved.

Over time, his love affair with sport fell away—not only because of me, but because coaches and others also didn’t understand his purpose. It’s taken a few years of me stepping back, simply being “Dad” instead of “Coach,” for him to return to sport in his own way. His relationship with sport is much better now and our relationship is far better for it.

I learnt my lesson and have been able to change for the better with my two younger sons. The lessons were vast though.

💬 A Quote That Sums It Up

One of my favourite quotes comes from Gary Lineker, the former England striker, who said:

I love this because it cuts right to the heart of sports parenting. Our children will only ever reach the level that they are meant to reach because of their purpose, their drive, and their joy. Not ours.

I was bonding with a great mate about this recently. He played international basketball back in his day and for a long time couldn’t understand for a long time why his son didn’t share the same drive he had. His son had all the ability, but the hunger simply wasn’t there. Like my son, he drifted away from the sport for a while—until recently. Now, he plays most days, but in a social setting with no pressure, simply “with his mates.” He absolutely loves it.

On reflection my mate said something that really stuck with me:

That insight sums it up beautifully. Purpose is individual. Joy looks different for everyone. And that’s okay.

💥Myth-Buster: Tiger Woods and His Dad

We often look at Tiger Woods and think, “See, his dad pushed him from the start, and that’s why he became great.”

But the reality is different. Earl Woods didn’t create Tiger’s passion — Tiger already had it.

In Tiger’s earliest years, Earl built an environment of joy: golf was playtime, connection, and fun. Tiger loved swinging a club and copying his dad. That joy grew into passion.

Only once Tiger himself showed the hunger and desire did Earl start to push harder — testing his focus, challenging him, and demanding toughness.

As Tiger said:

The lesson for us as parents? Pushing doesn’t create passion. Joy comes first. Purpose must come from within. Then — and only then — can toughness help fuel it.

We often look at athletes like Tiger Woods, above, and think, “See, his dad pushed him and look what happened.” But if you dig deeper, the story is different. Tiger’s father didn’t succeed by forcing him—he succeeded by creating an environment of joy around golf. Tiger was drawn to the game, played endlessly because he loved it, and he built the internal passion and desire that drove his career. His dad didn’t need to push, and in fact, pushing would never have worked. He created joy, and Tiger turned it into drive when he decided he wanted it. And when he understood that Tiger wanted it, Earl Woods started to be tougher with him to help him achieve Tiger’s goals.

The reality is: if your child has the hunger to compete, they’ll push themselves. And if their purpose is simply to enjoy the game and connect with friends, that’s equally valuable. Both paths are worth celebrating—because both belong to them.

⚡️ The Power of Knowing Their Purpose

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned as a parent is this: sport only works when it connects to their purpose, not ours.

If their “why” is to play with friends, then that needs to be honoured. If their “why” is to push for excellence, then they’ll drive themselves harder than we ever could.

Recently, Erik Panzer helped us unpack this on The Game Changer Podcast. He spoke about how knowing an athlete’s purpose shapes everything: how they train, how they compete, and how they feel about themselves. We will be releasing these pods next week but here is a short preview where we talk about parents and what to do instead of imposing your own dreams on your children.

This idea has transformed the way I see my role as a parent. My job isn’t to direct my kids’ sporting journey—it’s to help them discover their “why” and support them in living it out.

👂️ Lessons for Sports Parents and Coaches

Here are some hard-earned lessons from both experience and wisdom from experts I admire:

1. Don’t force your ‘why’ onto them. Many of us dream of raising elite athletes. But if that’s not their dream, pushing them only creates resentment.

2. Ask and listen. Their purpose might be fun, friendship, or fitness. It might be competition. It might change over time. Ask often, and really listen.

3. Step back when needed. Sometimes, being the supportive parent—not the coach, not the critic—is the greatest gift.

4. Your influence is never neutral. John O’Sullivan reminds us: “Every comment, every look, every action—it all shapes how kids see themselves in sport.”

5. Coach with, not at. Wayne Goldsmith says, “I don’t coach players—I coach with them.” Kids thrive on collaboration and connection, not commands.

6. Say the words they need most. John O’Sullivan often tells parents the best phrase they can use is: “I love watching you play.” It says their value isn’t tied to results.

7. Let them own their journey. Goldsmith also reminds us: “The more independence they feel, the more likely they are to turn their talent into something remarkable.”

🎙️ Quotes Worth Carrying

Final Thoughts

I share this story not to beat myself up—but to remind myself (and maybe you too) that our children’s sporting journey belongs to them, not us.

So here’s a challenge for this week:

👉 Ask your child: Why do you play? What do you want from sport?

And then—just listen.

Because sometimes, that’s the greatest gift we can give them.

Ben (and Billinda)

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