Learning to Let Go After a Bad Game

Author

The Game Changer
October 09, 2025

Friday Fuel October 10

Every athlete has that game — the one that plays on repeat in their mind long after the final whistle.
The missed tackle. The dropped catch. The shot that curved the wrong way.
You lie in bed replaying it. You try to move on — but your mind keeps circling back.

For young athletes, that inner replay can feel brutal. But even as adults — as parents, leaders, or coaches — we’re not immune to it either.

💬 A Personal Note

If I’m honest, I’ve never been great at letting go of mistakes.
In life and at work, I can be my own toughest critic. When something doesn’t go to plan, I replay it over and over in my head, wishing I could rewrite the moment.

And on the field, my son Will is exactly the same.

If he makes a bad pass, misses a shot, or doesn’t receive the ball cleanly, you can see it instantly — his head drops, his shoulders sink. The confidence drains away in seconds.

I still remember his very first football game when he was just five years old. He didn’t get to kick the ball once, and at the final whistle he melted down — full tears, inconsolable.
In that moment, I honestly thought, “Maybe sport isn’t for him. Maybe we shouldn’t go back next week.”

But we did.

And I’m so glad we did.

Now, watching both our kids play sport is one of the best parts of our week.
Will’s grown so much — he’s stronger, more resilient, and starting to understand that mistakes are part of the process. But like so many young athletes (and like his mum), he’s still learning not to beat himself up when things don’t go perfectly.

The truth is, letting go isn’t just a sporting skill — it’s a life skill.
And it’s one most of us are still working on.

🎯 Why It Sticks

So why do mistakes stay with us longer than the good stuff?
It comes down to a built-in brain feature called the negativity bias — the idea that we’re wired to notice and remember negative experiences more than positive ones.

That bias once helped humans survive (we learned quickly which berries not to eat), but in sport, it can work against us.
You might have 20 great touches, one bad pass, and yet the bad one is all you remember on the drive home.

Sports psychologist Dr. Jim Afremow, author of The Champion’s Mind, explains it this way:

“We’re trained to analyse performance, but not to recover from it. Champions learn not just how to prepare, but how to reset.”

The reset is what separates growth from guilt.

It’s why NBA mental-skills coach Graham Betchart teaches athletes to “play present.”

Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting — it means refusing to let one mistake define who you are.

How the Pros Handle It

Even elite athletes — the ones who look unshakable — struggle with this too.

🏊‍♀️ Missy Franklin, five-time Olympic medallist:

“Everyone knows what it’s like to work hard for something and not get it.
The real opportunity is showing what failure can look like — in a positive way.”
📖 Read her full TIME interview

Missy spoke openly about how missing out on a podium finish taught her more than the medals ever did. Her focus shifted from “proving herself” to “enjoying the process.”

🏀 And then there’s Michael Jordan — perhaps the most famous example of resilience in sport:

“I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games.
I’ve failed over and over and over again — and that is why I succeed.”

Jordan didn’t ignore his failures; he studied them, learned from them, and then deliberately moved on.
That’s what made him unstoppable.

⚽ Megan Rapinoe, U.S. footballer, once said in an interview after missing a penalty in a major game:

“If you can’t handle failure, you’ll never fully enjoy success. You’ve got to be brave enough to fall flat and still show up the next day.”

Each of these athletes share the same message:
Mistakes are inevitable. Staying stuck in them is optional.

@blanehowardmusic

It just seemed like the only song that fit this week... let's "Shake It Off" and get back in the win column! #chiefskingdom #shakeitoff #t... See more

⚙️ Your 5-Step Reset Ritual

Letting go doesn’t happen by accident. It’s a trainable skill — and like any skill, it takes practice.
Here’s a five-step ritual you (or your athlete) can try after a tough performance:

Step

Action

Why It Helps

1️⃣ Pause + Breathe

Take a slow inhale for 4 seconds, exhale for 6.

It interrupts the stress response and brings oxygen back to the brain.

2️⃣ Name It

Say it out loud: “I’m frustrated.” “I’m disappointed.”

Naming the feeling gives it shape — and takes away some of its power.

3️⃣ Learn One Thing

Ask: “What’s the lesson?”

Even small insights (“I need to scan earlier next time”) turn mistakes into growth.

4️⃣ Let It Go

Physically shake it out, stretch, or walk.

Movement resets the nervous system faster than thinking alone.

5️⃣ Lock In the Next Step

Choose one focus for the next game: “Strong first touch.” “Talk more on defense.”

Future focus stops the mind from looping on the past.

Try this ritual right after a game — before the debrief, before the long drive home. It only takes a minute, but the difference is huge.

💬 For Parents + Coaches

If you’ve ever watched your child walk off the field with their head down, you know how hard it is not to step in and “fix it.”

But sometimes, the best coaching moment happens in the silence.

Here’s what helps most:

  • Hold space, don’t rush. Let them feel it before they analyse it.

  • Ask about emotions first. “How did that feel?” comes before “What happened?”

  • Model your own resets. Let them see that you too make mistakes — and recover.

  • Use the ‘One-One-One’ framework:
    One thing learned. One thing to let go. One thing to focus on next.

  • Reframe success. Remind them that consistency, not perfection, is what builds great players.

Sport is one of the few places kids get to fail safely — and that’s exactly where confidence is built.

🧩 This Week’s Challenge

After your next training or game:
1️⃣ Write one thing you learned.
2️⃣ Write one thing you’re letting go of.
3️⃣ Write one thing you’ll focus on next.

Then close the notebook. Don’t overthink it.
Just practice the reset — because resilience grows every time you choose to reset instead of replay.

🏁 Final Thought

As Dean Smith said:

“What to do with a mistake: recognize it, admit it, learn from it, forget it.”

The past can’t be edited, but the next play is yours to write.
Let go, reset, and play present — your next great moment is waiting.

💧 FYA Bottle — The Latest Update

A couple of weeks ago, Ben shared our progress on the new FYA drink bottle, and it’s been awesome to see how many of you are as excited as we are — especially about the built-in food-storage compartment!

After receiving several test bottles to assess build quality and durability, we finally found one we’d buy ourselves.
We wanted to make sure it could handle real-world use — and it’s held up brilliantly. It’s been to multiple trainings and game days with Ben’s son, travelled to work with Ben daily, and survived the odd drop (or three). Despite being “looked after” by a teenage boy, it’s still going strong.

We’re now working with a design team to finalise the FYA logo, and if all goes to plan, we’ll have the finished version to share in the next few weeks.
We only want quality, and this bottle matches up — tough, practical, and built for the kind of everyday use athletes actually need.

🏉 Game Changer Live — Cam Roigard Q&A

We’re just days away from our next Game Changer Live — a virtual fan Q&A with All Black Cam Roigard, happening Sunday 13 October at 7 pm NZT.

If you’ve registered and haven’t received the zoom link yet please email: [email protected]

Cam will open up about resilience, bouncing back, and staying ready when opportunity strikes — the perfect continuation of this week’s message.

Spots are nearly full, but there are still a few left.
👉 Register here: https://forms.gle/jhbmxS2gG1hwzfhb6

Please share the link with teammates, schools, or parents who’d love to hear from one of New Zealand’s most grounded and inspiring players.

We’re also working hard behind the scenes to bring you details of our next live fan Q&A 🎥
Right now we’re coordinating with managers and agents to find dates that fit around training and game schedules for several professional athletes.
Watch this space — announcements coming soon 👀

Let’s make this the week we stop replaying what went wrong and start focusing on what’s next.

Keep showing up. Keep resetting. Keep fueling the future.

Billinda (and Ben)

FYA - Fueling Youth Athletes
🎙️ Home of The Game Changer Podcast