Under Pressure (Part 2) - What I Got Wrong — and What My Son Got Right

This week, a quiet comment from my son reminded me that the real lessons often happen off the field.

Friday Fuel - 19 June

👋BEHIND THE SCENES

For the past few weeks, my focus has been on school. We’ve had the Education Review Office (ERO) visiting — a process where external reviewers come in to evaluate how well we’re supporting our tamariki and whānau.

It’s a big deal. And it matters.

I work at a truly incredible school — one that goes above and beyond for families who need it most. So, it’s been all hands on deck: sending through reports, gathering data, and preparing presentations to make sure the ERO team could see the heart and hard work behind what we do.

That’s meant pressing pause on FYA and The Game Changer. But I’m slowly coming up for air — and taking a few days to reset before diving back in.

A huge thank you to Ben for carrying the load more than usual while I’ve been all-in on ERO prep. I’m incredibly grateful to have a teammate who just steps up when it matters most.

If you're juggling a lot right now too — kids, sport, mahi, life — you’re not alone. This space is here for all of us trying to show up, even when things feel full.

🔄 FULL CIRCLE MOMENTS

A few weeks ago, I wrote a newsletter called “The Comparison Trap.” I shared thoughts on why it’s important not to compare our kids to others — and how powerful it is when we focus on their individual journey.

And then… I went and broke my own rule.

After one of Will’s recent football games — deep in the middle of ERO prep and running low on sleep — we were chatting in the car. I made a casual comment about one of his teammates and how well he was playing.

It wasn’t meant to criticise. I didn’t even realise I was making a comparison. But Will caught it right away.

He turned to me and said:

“Mum, you shouldn’t be comparing me to him. I’m working on my own game.”

That one sentence floored me.

He wasn’t upset. Just calm. Direct. Clear. And absolutely right.

I felt that instant wave of regret. I knew better — and yet I still slipped into the habit so many of us fall into. Especially when we’re tired. Distracted. Overwhelmed.

But I also felt something else: pride.
Because Will had the confidence to call it out.
Because he was anchored in his journey.
Because he knew that someone else’s performance doesn’t define his own.

We talked about it more when we got home. I owned what I said and apologised. He shrugged, smiled, and said, “It’s all good — I know you were just tired.”

And right there — in that simple, honest exchange — was everything I needed to remember about parenting through sport:

  • Our kids aren’t expecting perfection.

  • They’re watching how we respond to our own mistakes.

  • And when we model humility, they mirror it with grace.

So if you've ever said the wrong thing after a game, or reacted too quickly from a place of tiredness or stress — you're not alone. We’re not aiming for perfection. We’re aiming for awareness. For honesty. For growth. Just like our kids.

🔥 THE PRESSURE MOMENT – A PARENT’S PERSPECTIVE

In our last issue on pressure, we talked about what happens to kids in those high-stakes moments.

This week, we’re flipping it.

Because pressure affects parents too.

We carry hopes, dreams, and fears. We see our kids’ potential — and we want the best for them.
But sometimes, our own stress leaks out in ways we don’t even notice.

It’s in the tone we use on the way to the game.
It’s in the sideline comments we didn’t mean to say.
It’s in the post-match debriefs that start to sound like coaching sessions instead of conversations.

Pressure moments aren’t just for athletes. They’re for us, too.

And often, how we handle our pressure becomes the model for how they handle theirs.

💬 QUOTE OF THE WEEK

 “Kids don't need perfect parents. They need present ones — willing to grow alongside them.”

🎯 PARENT UNDER PRESSURE? TRY THIS

Here are a few small shifts I’m working on — and maybe they’ll help you too:

1. Ask permission before giving feedback

“Do you want to talk about the game or just chill for now?”

This gives your child agency. It also signals that your relationship comes before your review.

2. Zoom out with your child

“What do you think you learned from today?”
“What’s something you want to try next time?”

These questions invite curiosity and self-awareness, not shame.

3. Name your own pressure
If you’re feeling wound up before a game, say it out loud:

“I’m a bit tense today — long week. But I’m proud of you no matter what.”

Kids don’t need you to be perfectly calm — they just need honesty.

4. Celebrate self-awareness
If your child names what they’re working on — like Will did — acknowledge that. That’s high-level emotional maturity right there.

5. Reflect, repair, and reset
If you say the wrong thing (we all do), go back later. “Hey, I’ve been thinking about what I said earlier — that wasn’t helpful. You’re doing great and I’m proud of you.”

That kind of repair builds deeper trust than getting it right the first time.

😐 YOUR FACE SAYS MORE THAN YOU THINK

After years of coaching and teaching, one thing has become clear:
Kids rarely remember exactly what you said — but they always remember how you made them feel.

That’s why your tone and facial expressions matter just as much as your words — and sometimes even more.

As parents, especially under pressure, we often get this wrong. Even when we’re saying all the right things, a small sigh or a slight frown can speak louder than our message, causing problems even though we didn’t mean it.

Ben knows this firsthand.

“My kids — and even people I work with — often ask, ‘Are you OK?’ It used to confuse me, until I realised that when I’m deep in thought, my face looks grumpy or worried. I’d be listening carefully or reflecting, but to others — especially kids — it looked like I was frustrated or upset with them. That mismatch created confusion and disconnection in my relationships, especially with my boys.

I’ve had to train myself to make sure my face matches my message. And my wife now just says, (in a loving way while she laughs) ‘Change Your Face.’ ”

So next time you're supporting your young athlete, remember:
It’s not just what you say, but how you show up — with your eyes, your face, your posture.

Because your presence shapes their experience. And they’ll carry that feeling long after the words are forgotten.

📲 WHAT WE’RE READING & WATCHING

This set of 3 books is simply sensational. We speak a lot about the need for building kids who are self-reliant, and these two authors, William Stixrud and Ned Johnson, have studied this for years before sharing their work across three publications and a website: https://theselfdrivenchild.com/

For parents this is a goldmine of principles and tools, not just about how to actually how to raise a self-driven child, but how to talk with them in a variety of situations - especially when you feel pressured yourself.

Don’t have enough time to read the whole thing? Get the best bits in summary form here: https://sobrief.com/books/the-self-driven-child

📺️ Prefer to watch and listen: below is a 10 minute summary.

🌟 COMMUNITY SHOUTOUT — DO YOU KNOW STEVEN ADAMS?

Steven Adams is coming home!!

12 seasons in the NBA, with 12,000 giveaways over 12 years — all from the big #12 himself.

The Steven Adams 2025 Community Camps are back this August:

  • Christchurch (Selwyn Sports Centre) – 5 August 2025

  • New Plymouth (TSB Stadium) – 8 August 2025

  • Rotorua (Energy Events Centre) – 12 August 2025

  • Auckland (Pullman Arena) – 14 August 2025

Thanks to Steven and Meadow Fresh, these camps are free.

We’d love to explore the possibility of hosting a virtual Q&A with Steven — where youth athletes and fans could join a live Zoom, hear from him directly, and even ask a few questions themselves.

This would follow the same format as our upcoming virtual zoom interview with New Zealand All White and Auckland FC player Francis de Vries next month. We’ve had such a fantastic response from football players, coaches, and fans that we’d love to bring this same experience to basketball lovers too.

👉 If you (or someone you know) has a connection to Steven — or could help us get this in front of his team — we’d be incredibly grateful. Just hit reply or message us directly.

Let’s see if our Game Changer community can make this happen.

✋ BEFORE YOU GO…

If you’ve had one of those “I wish I hadn’t said that” moments after a game — welcome to the club.

We all get it wrong sometimes. The key is what we do next.

This week reminded me that our kids are listening. They’re learning.
And sometimes, they’re the ones doing the teaching.

💥 Here’s to raising focused kids — not fearless, but ready.

— Ben & Billinda
The Game Changer Newsletter